A few years back I went to Byron’s Bay, Australia. In order to save some money in this premier beach town, we stayed at a hostel down the beaten path called Greenland Guesthouse. The reviews at the time were nice but we weren’t aware we were walking into a surreal world of new ownership.
I checked a few reviews today for curiosity sake on what others thought and read one review entitled, “worst hostel in the world.” In retrospect, it’s kinda exciting to stay in the worst hostel in the world but at the time it was like entering a horror and I didn’t think I was gonna live through the night.
When we first arrived, my first impressions were, “wow, this is really nice! I loved the rustic charm. It was like somebody fed the rainforest a hostel and the rainforest spit it back out more awesome. I like when nature reclaims urban landscapes but that’s because where I live in North America, I don’t have to worry much about poisonous snakes and shit!:)
As you walked through the door, your attention is immediately drawn to the many giant Huntsman spiders on the wall. I knew from prior research for my trip that they’re not the spiders that are gonna kill me. The alarming part was, usually when you have that many spiders the size of your hand in your lobby, it’s usually a sign of neglect!:)
It’s funny how this experience changed me. Now when I hear somebody complain of their sub-par accommodations, I think to myself; But did you hear spiders walking all night on your carpet or wonder if a poisonous snake is gonna get under your covers while you TRY to sleep?!:)
The lobby desk contained a bowl of keys and a phone number. Realizing it was only the spiders moving around when we hit the bell we decided to call the phone number. On the other end was somebody from who knows where saying he didn’t know we paid a deposit to stay there. He apologized for the dilapidated state, gave us a free night and told us to take the room 7 key out of the bowl. He also said, “Make sure you make lots of noise taking the trail to the beach.” Why’s that?! “On account of the snakes.” Oh, rrright!
Excited at first; Like Kevin from Home Alone. We went to room 7 realizing we had this whole place to ourselves. In the pictures it had a nice pool and hot tub. Lucky number 7; Sure, there’s a dead cockroach crushed in our door but imagine what could have been if we weren’t so lucky. The beautiful tree frog on the inside of our glass must also be a sign of good luck but also raised the alarm that there’s a big gap under our door. I gently removed it and placed it outside with the ice bucket. No need to get hallucinogenic frog toxins on my skin until I have a good grasp on what’s going on with this place. It could get out of control scary!:)
My next step in securing the perimeter of our room was to grab a larger bucket (the washroom waste bin) and a stick to check under the bed. Phew! No Snakes. Towel under the door to deter new guests and this place is as critter free as it’s gonna be!:) Time to get changed and check out the pool.
There was many large lizards chilling in the sun as we walked to the pool. That was pretty cool, they weren’t too afraid off us. To our dismay, the water of the pool was green and more used as a feeding pond for the forest. Only vegetation and insects. The hot tub also contained a stagnant cocktail of vegetation and spiders. Maybe it was safe to soak in and I was being superficial to judge a tub by it’s giant spiders but we decided to hit the beach!:)
As we walked past the “WARNING: Brown snakes prevalent in the area” sign, we took the owners lone advice and made lots of noise heading through the dunes to the beach. We sang, “HEY MICKEY! YOU’RE SO FINE! YOU BLOW MY MIND! HEY MICKEY! (clap clap, stomp stomp). That should keep the snakes at bay!:)
The beaches of Byron’s Bay were really quite spectacular! After our trip we returned to the Hostel. We were still the only ones there so we ransacked the back room and grabbed dishes, glasses and towels and whatever else we may have needed for the room. When we returned to the room I opened a bottle of wine and sat on our porch while listening and watching all the animals around us. At one point there was a snake in the back lawn by the pool. Not sure what kind of snake it was but I wasn’t taking my chances getting too close with my Iphone. It was green and it could have been a Tigersnake. If that was the case, I definitely don’t want to fuck with it. Exploring a little more we discovered a run down house just past the treeline. It’s been vacant for awhile and looked like something out of Chainsaw massacre. That’s enough exploring for now!:)
While we were sitting outside, a long haired man in a huge pickup truck with a skull and crossbones painted on the side pulled up to the front of the building. An hour or so later he comes over to us at our room wearing only a towel. He said he also owned the place. Confused on our stay, we explained to him how we pre-booked our stay online and we spoke to Sam on the phone. He said he would come by on our last day and pick up the money because your machine is down. The man in the long hair said he’s gonna need the money right away. We said we couldn’t because we’re paying the remaining balance on our credit card. He said, “well, here’s the thing, Sam owes me money. I’ll give one of you a ride into town now.”
I climb three feet into the air to get inside his skull and crossbones Bronco while feeling a little naive getting into some strangers truck in the outback to go to a gas station’s bank machine. Seeing enough abduction movies, I remember watching my friend while we were pulling out and thought is this that scene where this is the last time anybody will see me alive.
Our conversation was talking about the normal things you talk about when you think the person you’re riding around with might murder you. Agreeing to mostly everything they say and commenting on how much you like their creepy truck and place while subtlely mentioning how we have only a little money.
We arrive back and I’m not dead. I’m ecstatic. We decide to celebrate and leave our patio creatures that were creeping towards us and head into town. A traveler’s bus picked us up and drove us to the Brass Monkey, a backpackers bar in Byron Bay. After a meal and many pitchers. We’re ready to head back to Hell’s Hostel.
I light up a smoke on the patio and pour myself a patio nightcap. Shortly after I hear, “Warren, could you come in here?!” Knowing by the tone of her voice there was probably something in the room. “Hold on,” i said, “Let me get my stick and capturing bucket.”
Cornered in the room I have a giant Huntsman. We are both paused looking into each others eyes like in a western gun battle movie knowing next move is showdown. I take a moment to gather my thoughts but being inebriated, I say fuck my thoughts and lunge for it; It lunges at me, I bail and jump on the bed. My friend in the opposite corner who was also carrying a shield jumped on the chair. “OMG, where is it?! I said it’s on the carpet beside the bed. I try to catch it again but it was really fucking fast! My third attempt I managed to catch it and put it outside in the waste bin.
I never did sleep well those few nights but I got really good at catching spiders. The one owner told us a story about how he woke up one time with a giant one on his face. That’s probably why I kept waking up by slapping myself in the face. I’ll never forget my stay at this place. If I do go back; Rather than paying, I’ll know to just grab a key out of the bowl but I should hope they’ve fixed it up a bit since then. It could be a really amazing place near really amazing beaches!:)
O.G. on the Q.T. 
